Dakota 2: Until the next time

Forget everything and go on a break. Take your car, go for a drive. Spend a little quality time in the lap of nature, have a beer maybe, and just absorb the beauty of your life. The more you connect with yourself, the better life becomes. Remember that delusions are temporary, but conscience is undying. Do not let it die. Do not die several times before you die.

In case you missed the previous part of Dakota, click here.


Final Episode

#1 Khanabadosh

ab jab tum jaa rahe ho to ek baat yaad rakhna, zindagi hamesha ek safar hai aur yea sab ko katna padta hai, par kuch log ke liye safar zindagi jeena hota hai. Aur tum unme se ek ho, tumhara safar ek aisa safar hai jo rooh ke saath ka hai.

Tumhare liye safar ek safarnama hai aur tumhe zinda rakhne ki jadibutti. Ab jaa rahe ho toh naye kisse kahaniya zarur laana.

Bindu is the person who loves travelling and her every breath is meant to travel. When she travels, she lives and when she lives, her aura makes that city look very beautiful. Every time when she travels, Bubla just waits for her return to listen to her stories. The best part is she always bring some gifts for him.

#2 Sukuniyat

usko dekh kar bas ek pal men sukuniyat mil gayi.

wo sunhare chumkhe, wo badi bindi, wo nashili aankhein, nila kurta and uski budbudati hasi, aisa mano ke usko aise dekhkar ek pal mein zindagi ji li.

Ae bindu tumne to ek pal mein puri zindagi ka ehsaas dila diya, tumne toh sukuniyat ka matlab samjha dia.

Well, we humans strive for peace every single moment and Bindu is someone who can make you realise what peace looks like in one single moment. The world stops on seeing her dressed so elegantly in simple kurti matched perfectly with the Indian flavour of bindi and oxidised silver earrings and that brown coffee bean likes eyes. Her smile is the measure of absolute peace.

#3 storm

My eyes were searching for her in the crowd and as soon as my eyes manage to spor her, I noticed that she was wearing a black Kurta with those big jhumkas and her hair tied with help of the stick that looked like a polised ivory sculpture stopped my world.

She was approaching me and I was still standing, still waiting for her to come and smile.

However, suddenly my eyes opened and it was 2 am in the night. Unlike, other days the night was scary still I was shivering maybe because of losing her in my dream.

He cannot get over her jhumkhas and her hippy look. And without her Bubla’s life is like a blank page so even in his dreams he does not let Bindu be alone.

#4 Her motto

Forget everything and go on a break. Take your car, go for a drive. Spend a little quality time in the lap of nature, have a beer maybe, and just absorb the beauty of your life. The more you connect with yourself, the better life becomes. Remember that delusions are temporary, but conscience is undying. Do not let it die. Do not die several times before you die.

A line from one of Bubla’s article.

This is what Bindu told me when he was struggling to find his own way through the narrow roads of his life.

There are many more things that Bindu said and it just made him feel like what else do you need when you have a best friend. Bindu told me believe in me.

However, I was always questioned that Who am I for Bindu?

Well, I am her mother, bestfriend, wingman and bridesmaid.

We have spent the entire journey of our friendship by fighting and making sure that we blame each other for it. We abuse each other so that we can love each other. We rant together for being single and we hang out together to live in a world, the world which Bubla calls as DAKOTA.

So, live with your memories, till I meet you again with more memories of Bubla with Bindu.


Some snippets when Bindu is praising Bubla.

“I am just going for couple of days. I will be back soon child.”

“You are my wingman, chodu.”

“Fuck, this was all because of you Pyomi. If you were not there, I would definitely failed.”

“I feel satisfied to see you performing in front of the crowd.”

“You are not alone. I am here no. I am always here.”

“If we are not close still you will not let me fall. You will throw a rope in my direction and hold me with that.”

The list is too long to be written

 

The end

 

Dakota 2: Tum Ho, Yeh Mehfil Hai Aur Apne Tarane (Scene from Ahmedabad)

Bubla took her to his favourite place where he finds solace and he sits quite often. They drove to SP ring road, to that place, his place, from where one could see the entire city. The time was around 7:30 pm and the songs tuned in were Kishore Kumar’s classic.

In case you missed the previous part, click here.


Episode 4

As soon as we reach mid way she said I want to get my hair’s straightened. Just stop at the nearby Salon and go and, ask the rates no. He was giving her dead stare for a minute and at last being helpless he went to Enrich-The salon to ask for rates of hair straightening.

“Excuse what is the rate of hair straightening for girls”

The woman giving me the same dead stare and in a sarcastic tone said, “If you have the enrich voucher then it is 1500 INR or else it is 3200 INR”

Listening to that I said thank you and thought of running super fast in the direction of the car. Seeing me coming like this in a speed of flash Bindu asked me, “BC, what happened?”

Bubla: “Chutiya samaj ke rakha hai in loko ne. It is 3200 INR for your fucking hair straightening and I am no way going to pay that much. Moreover, that woman was so sarcastic as if I am a chaprasi. You always put into this uncomfortable zone. You should die.”

Hearing this Bindu started laughing as if she is enjoying the moment and said, “Vyom BUBLA Desai, just look at your face. It looks like you have just pooped in your pants.  Sit, we will go to some other place.”

Bubla: “I am not going to take you at any other salons. We will go to the salon where you usually get it done after a short drive.”

Bindu: “But I am hungry and yes, get me some cigarettes no.”

Bubla: “I know you will ask for it as you were at your home for the entire day so I bought 10 already.”

Bindu: “Aww Bubla, What will I do with out you? Where the fuck is your AUX cable? and chiiii what kind of songs do you listen.”

She has this habit of getting angry at me anytime and ordering like I am her Ramu kaka. However, I cannot refrain from denying the fact I loved it as it made me feel special in many ways.

Bubla took her to his favourite place where he finds solace and he sits quite often. They drove to SP ring road, to that place, his place, from where one could see the entire city. The time was around 7:30 pm and the songs tuned in were Kishore Kumar’s classic. They both lighted the cigarette and refrained from speaking anything. Both of them were standing near the bridge watching it progress over the years. There was some different kind of peace that he saw in her eyes and probably the kind of peace he has never seen before.

Bindu: “I love Ahmedabad.”

Bubla: “At times, me too.”

They sat there for some 20 minutes and for the first time hardly spoke anything. Then she shouted that I need to get my hair straightening done,

Bubla: “You know what, I will become a very nice boyfriend.”

Bindu: “Only, if you get one and that is not going to happen.”

Finally after a lot of abuses and pointless arguments we reached the salon which had a board named Decent.

“Are you sure he is good. Aisa na ho straightening ke naam par chutiya kaar de.”

“Fuck off and come on follow me.”

We went inside the salon which was entirely a ladies salon and he was the only man sitting apart from one who was doing her straightening. Now, here the point was her straightening would take almost 45 minutes and till then he has to sit at that place. The point was he was not having internet pack on his phone and all he could do is to watch the beautiful face of a Dayan. After a while he started enjoying the look of her face because at certain points, she felt a little pain and her expressions use to change.

Bubla, feels so good when he see Bindu in this kind of situation. He was laughing and laughing and Bindu was giving that Amitabh Bacchan look from the movie Zanjeer.

Finally, it was done and they were to leave for their home. However, he wished how if they would have stayed a little longer. However, I will never forget that 20 minutes silence as eyes spoke better than words during that time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dakota 2: Tum ho, yeh Mehfil hai aur apne tarane

He extended his hand to reach her waist and she kept her hands on his shoulder. They both were smiling at each other as if they knew what that moment meant to them. They somewhere knew that it will not come again.  And at the point, it struck Bubla to enjoy every moment he has in his hands.

In case you have missed the second episode of Dakota, click here.


Episode 3

Scene #2

She commented on my photo, “I got my rainbow coloured umbrella?”

Bubla replied, “what about me?”

Bindu for the first time said, “We can share.”

and he went to the third thing that defines her that is the old songs and I just replied, “Then meet me soon, please. We can then dance to the tune of the songs of the Raj Kapoor. I forgot the movie name though.

Screenshot_20170728-232546.png
Just to make it look Better.

So Bubla has this habit of going back down the memory lane once he thinks that he said something amazing. He went back to the time when they had their first trip to Mumbai very recently.

A scene from Khar Socials

Bindu: “Tujhe kuch hua hai kya? aise gobi ke phul jaise shakal kyun banai hai?”

Bubla: “Nai, bas thodi health kharab hai. It feels like I am going to puke.”

Bindu: “You better do not drink now.”

Now Bubla has the habit of doing exactly opposite to what Bindu says, after all, all he does is he takes it on his ego.

Bubla: “Mein toh piyega. No matter how many time I go to puke I will drink.”

After 3 drinks and 4 vomits, Bubla was out of his mind and he could see Bindu dancing just like the way Hellen use to dance in the item song. (A compliment). The only difference here was that Bindu was the chubbier version of Hellen with full clothes and more beautiful than her. (Sorry for being Creepy) It was the first that he was seeing her dance and probably it was the first time that Bubla smiled so earnestly after 3 months.

Bindu came to have her beer and stood exactly next to Bubla and smiling at her. It seemed like it was his smile. He extended his hand to reach her waist and she kept her hands on his shoulder. They both were smiling at each other as if they knew what that moment meant to them. They somewhere knew that it will not come again.  And at the point, it struck Bubla to enjoy every moment he has in his hands.

He gets up, goes to Bindu and says, “Let us do cheaped wala steps and he is in love with the girl right behind her.” She caught up to his cheap steps so easily and at the same time totally judging him.  Then he followed the steps she did. We even didn’t know which step we were doing but it went on like from most cheap steps to break dance to slow motion. Bindu made Bubla dance keeping all his pain away and he danced like this after 2 years. At the same time, he managed to puke 6 times after 2 years. Well, that doesn’t even matter unless he was not okay.

If at any moment he goes numb then Bindu just stands beside him making him feel as he is safe. Bubla had his first trip in Bindu and he had his best time apart from train journeys. Because she sleeps like Kumbhkaran during the train journeys.

 

 

Bubla was just going back and making the layer of flashback of memories; it seemed like he was reliving the joy of that memories.

A scene somewhere in Ahmedabad

Bindu: “Meet me no. I am getting bored here at home plus I cannot drive as I hurt myself while running behind Aashil to hit him.”

Bubla: “Who runs with such a heavy body”

Bindu: “Who will take me out other than you. Come fast I am waiting.”

Bubla: “Will be there at your place in next 30 minutes but I will be in Wagon R.”

She comes with the big bandage on her left leg and looking at her he was not able to control his laughter. He continued to laugh till the time she sat in the car and shouted at him. She took the aux cable and started her all time favourite and at times boring play list.

As soon as we reach mid way she said I want to get my hair’s straightened. Just stop at the nearby Salon and go and ask the rates no. He was giving her dead stare for a minute and…


To be continued.

 

 

The Rise And Fall Of A Writer – 2

Did that phase where I was rising as a writer changed me? No, I was still the same during that phase. However, being an egoistic person there was a huge boost to my ego and it motivated me to write even better. 

If you have missed the first part of The Rise And Fall Of A Writer, click here.


Meanwhile, in the midst of this process, I got addicted to my addiction to nicotine. I use to lock myself from the world so that I can write about the philosophies of living the idea of an individual being the heroic being. However, one thing I missed out on was me entering the zone from where coming out is a difficult task. I had so many things to write that I forgot to experiment.

I kept on drafting and drafting the articles on Mind Mosaic without thinking of when it will be published. I use to improve from article to article but now that when I go back to the times I see I could have improved better. Abha always gave me the feedback about what I can improve in the next article. She always made sure that I do not repeat my mistakes again. However, there were some mistakes that remained the same. The only reason for this because I drafted so many articles at once.

Slowly, I realised that I was swinging in middle of my theories in the articles and my principles on which I use to live. They were two conflicting parameters that made me trample in my journey of learning during the times of Mind Mosaic. I think I was too late in realising this mistake as I saw my alter ego parted ways with my conscience. I had to choose one way, whether to stop writing for some time or follow the philosophies I write about. I chose the latter one but here the question arises is was my decision right? What if I would have gone with the first option?

By this time, the only different article I tried was to write a movie review which focuses more on the content of the movie. That was not a very successful attempt and I again went back to my comfort zone that is philosophy. In all these chaos the one good thing that happened to me was the people around me started accepting me as a writer. The criticism turned into respect — respect for not giving up. Abha always told that your content is very niche and that is something I like about it. And I was finally seeing myself as a writer and the person who has achieved something. Though at an exponential rate but the graph of my articles was going up.

Did that phase where I was rising as a writer changed me? No, I was still the same during that phase. However, being an egoistic person there was a huge boost to my ego and it motivated me to write even better.

Meanwhile, between all these chaos my personal life continued to remain messy. I am the person who never had a stable personal life even though I had everything I wanted. In this phase, I forgot that people existed and I kept on working and smoking. Cigarettes were the only object who saw the terror while I use to write to the most vulnerable sufferings my conscience undergo in craving for love.

Why didn’t I chose to write about it? I asked these questions to myself many times. However, the only answer I got was all your write-ups are derived from the sufferings of your personal life and all your principles are the proof of why you are responsible for that sufferings. I can never thank Abha to how long she heard all of these and still having different ideology made sure I learn things in my own way, During Mind Mosaic, I found a best friend who was also the founder and younger than me. During this phase, I met some brilliant individuals with their own set of expertise in their areas. I consider myself lucky to meet Akash, Rushi and Aashna.

However, due to few reasons, Mind Mosaic failed and it came to an end. Does that make a difference?


to be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

Dakota 2 – Meri Pyaari Bindu

“Pyaar mein itni thokar khaane ke bawajood, zakhm pe iodex malkar veer jawaan hamesha khade ho jaate hain, ek aur try karne ke liye…”

Episode 2

There is some quality in her that makes her look very different from other people. Her presence is like the aura of lilies that are just plucked from the nursery. Every time she meets me there is some thing different about her. There are 4 things that define her.

The first is her big bumble bee like eyes, second is her traditional kurties and the way she walks. Her way of walking is just like a tornado that is coming to hug you from a distance. The third is her love for old songs and the way she sings them. The fourth and my favourite is how she takes or steals my stuff which she likes and never gives me hers.

Our relation is just like Bubla and Bindu from the movie, “Meri pyaari Bindu”. You lock us in one room for a month, we will not mind unless any one of us loses the fight. You give us one Pizza and we fight till the last piece. You tune into the old songs then we will sing and dance loudly in our car. If she is low, she will get angry at me as she thinks it is her birth right. She is busy making chits and making plans of copying in the exams while I am busy making the schedule for her studying.

She is so similar like Bindu as she never reads my work. She always start something but leaves her midway. However, she always know what she exactly wants. Her whatsapp calls mean it is an emergency. She is the one who is ready to do some of the craziest things and I am the one who stays behind her in all the weird things she does. She is the one who fights with people on my behalf. She is the one who never appreciates me for anything.

Well, reading this one might think where do I stand? I am the one who assures Bindu that she can do whatever she wishes to do because Bubla is standing right besides her. I am the one who makes sure Bindu is alright and I am the one who tells her she is at her best when she dances on Shammi Kapoor’s song. I am the one who is scared of her mother.

Jab itna bol hi dia to thode kisse bi ho jayein Bindu aur Bubla ke…

I asked her, “Ooo Bindu, Meri pyaari bindu, how was your date?”

“Which date you are talking about?”

“Bc, as if you got went to Lots of when I was not in the town. See, we both know that you are not going to find someone else.”

“Owww, You fucking went for 15 long days. I missed you while shopping. I did not find any company.”

“That means you just missed me because you need to go for shopping?”

Owww! Yes, Bubla Desai. Apart from it, I had a good time without you. It was actually peaceful as there was no one who keeps crying on things.”

“Okay, I lose, now tell me how was your date?”

“With Vinny it was ok ok. I mean we had nothing to talk about. Half of the time he was just sitting.”

“Who the fucks gives such kind of names. Seriously! Vinny? I totally judge you Bindu. That is but obvious no, you were talking since few months and if you meet after that, what will you have to talk. BC, You will die single.”

“No, I have you as my backup no. And I know you are going to forever alone.”

“Pyaar mein itni thokar khaane ke bawajood, zakhm pe iodex malkar veer jawaan hamesha khade ho jaate hain, ek aur try karne ke liye…” By telling this we go on a date again to be single and make fun of the incident. 

This was it and then we started to talk about her date like and it ended at making fun of each other.

TO BE CONTINUED…


The quote is taken from Meri Pyaari Bindu.

The Rise And Fall Of A Writer – 1

It is very often said that a person undergoes the best and worst times of their life at a certain stage so that they can understand the importance of their existence. However, I was a person who never believed this philosophy. I am such a person who can feel his existence in every breath he takes. Neverhtheless, today, I fail to do so. I am neither a big personality nor a great writer but this is my story. A story of my rise and fall not just as a writer but even as a person.

My journey of being a writer started back in 2014 when I was a boy who was writing his tears. I never had any thoughts or dream to be a writer. I started writing as a process of evacuation of my feelings or probably to show my lost love of what I feel about her. That write-ups neither had proper grammar or a sentence formation. They were just a rant of the teenage boy who wants things to function according to him.

However, I never realised when that amateur writing helped me to feel emotions so strongly. I was able to see emotions right through the person just like the light that passes through an object without reflection. I kept on writing and it was a year but I didn’t stop. The only improvements that happened in my writings were the concept and the content. I was in an impression that what I write is a good mixture of content and grammar.

With that impression in my mind, I thought of creating a blog in 2015 named Jharokha. Well, the same blog on which you are reading my story. I had hundred of thoughts of writing articles which are a mixture of philosophy and personal touch and the very first article I published was titled as the ‘That Abstract Feelings’. I also made a facebook page to showcase my work and also sent it to people to review it.

The criticism I faced was very shocking or rather I can say it was little disappointing. It all started with one person laughing on the content to the second person laughing on grammar. On the other side, I found few people telling me it was a nice article but when I asked Why you felt it was nice then there were no answers. I noted down some of the points in which they were laughing about and wrote one more piece. It turned out to be a disaster in terms of the concept. However, I found one or two people who actually appreciated the concept, content and even gave constructive feedback.

It is said that a writer has to keep an open mind when it comes to taking the ideas or criticism. I made sure I do that but as I kept on publishing the article, the criticism I use to get started decreasing. I saw my friends creating a joke out of it, putting the mistakes in the groups and laughing on it. I do not know but I started doubting myself during that point. Everytime, I picked up the pen I had second thoughts about writing. However, even with that trembling pen I didn’t stop writing my philosophies.

After 3 months, I met a woman named Abha Mehra in the NGO where I was working. She read my blog, provided me with honest reviews every time when I asked for. One day she called me to meet her and asked me, “Would you like to work and write with us for our online magazine? Though we cannot pay you.” I was very hesitant because of the way I saw my write-ups getting humiliated. In the end I said a big YES to her.

This is where my journey as a writer started. It was the phase where I started to learn how does one set the flow of an article, how does one use metaphors and most important part how can one create an article from a single idea or thought. Initially, it was very difficult and I was very under confident about the work I used to do. Moreover, I saw the other team members talking and sharing their views. To be honest, I was scared on seeing their confidence and approach they have but I tried to absorb good things from them. These helped me to learn many things especially the content execution and to some extent even grammar. The first article that went on board was the “Transformation – An Inevitable Journey”.  

I was very nervous when the article was published but when Akash told me that it worked really well, there was a moment where I was regaining my confidence as a writer. Abha was the one who edited it and after it, I saw people actually loved it. Abha always told me that my strong point is content and make sure that it is never compromised. I always use to tell her that I write for myself and no one else.

In these process of writing on my blog and Mind Mosaic, I realised my genre is Philosophy and I started writing on individualism and ideal man theory. The second article was titled as “The Masterpiece”. There was no looking back and the graph of my write-ups started increasing. Meanwhile, in the midst of this process, I got addicted to…

to be continued…

Dakota 2 – A book full of memories

\In order to read the introduction of Dakota Series 2, click here.


Episode 1

We will fade away some day. We will be living in a different city and we will not be able to meet. What will we do? Will we regret not meeting?  Will we be the same when we will meet after years?

What if we will not be able to meet again? What if with time our memories will fade? If any of these happens no, there will always be a book on the right-hand side of your drawer to make you live with all of them.

There will be the book which will live even after our death. I will title that book as CHILD because it is because of you that I can still have that side of me alive. Child because of your innocent complaints and unfulfilling demands. Child because of the times I got angry at you while teaching you quantitative demands and child because of you asking me to get a vada pav so that you could study better.

I live with our memories and I fear that what if I will forget it some day? That is why I am keeping it safe on the table on the right-hand side of my wall. When you will be travelling the world, I will be sitting in the corner of my room busy writing about how I am so proud of you. When you will be receiving you

When you will be receiving your first paycheck, I will be writing about what I want from it. When you will be in a relationship, I will be writing about the delays you did in meeting me. When you will be feeling low, I  will be writing about how much I had hate your tears. I will always be writing about you so that the memories we create will remain forever. When I say forever I really mean it.

So, if some day I might not be present, there will be a book full of memories which will make you smile when you will be feeling low. There will be times when you might feel bad about yourselves, the book will tell you how good you are. That book will never make you feel like I am not here with you.

So if something will happen to me, just hold on to the book of memories CHILD. I will be living in that book with you.

Until the next time.

To be continued…

DAKOTA – Series 2

If you have haven’t read the first series of Dakota, just click here.


Introduction

Well, I do not know how many of you have read and resonated the with the set of a journey with a beautiful friend one can ever have. Isn’t is so simple that at times all you know how is that the journey is never going to end. Somethings will never change and if they change they will just get better.

I always had in my mind that I will start the second series very soon but I was not able to and I was getting restless because of that. Kavisha, you know anything you write about her will be pretty less.

Every time I meet her there is something you. Today she told in a tone of sheer excitement that she got her first salary. Yesterday she texted that she went to quit smoking. The day before was like you fucking die, Vyom Desai because you do not have any time to meet me. It does not end and probably will never end. All those fights, irritations, happiness, moments and food will sum up the second series.

This time it will not be the set of stories Miss Kavisha Shah (if you are reading this) but it can be an abrupt short write-up, a story, a few lines just portraying you, a poem or just a picture. I am not even sure that whether I will write everything in English because I suck at it.

Kavisha Shah

You know satisfaction is a very rare thing so today I will just start with it.

There were times when all I had was a day full of guilt trippings, terror, anxiety. I was just like the man after 7 drinks of whisky. A man who knows his mind but cannot feel his senses. That was probably the mot vulnerable part of me which you have seen and anyhow managed to withstand. In between all these that one glance of yours in that blue kurta, those silver jhumkas, a pretty Bindi, your bubblegum like eyes and carrying a camera in one hand, I felt the moment of peace. It was like the senses coming back in sync with the mind. I found peace in that moment, the kind of peace I have always demanded and the kind of peace I will always seek.

Until the next time,

To be continued…

 

 

WH Questions

You know what? The first step of transformation is asking yourself why. This question is starting point in the world of self love. The author here portrays it perfectly. Have a look at it.

Sparies

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How is it when you ask “why”?

Does it bite your bite your guilt feel?

For what exactly are you asking “why”?

“Why” did he leave me?

“Why” am i so fat?

“Why” is my skin not healthy?

“Why” me?

“Why” do i exist?

Wait, don’t you think that’s a wrong “why” you’re using?

Damn, yes definitely it is the wrong “why” you’re asking yourself.

It was THE PERIOD so he left. He had to go.

My love, you’re beautiful. Fat, pimpled dark skin, frizzy hair, doesn’t matter.

You exist because you’ve got a lot of untouched pastas, pizzas, cheesecakes and manchurians on your plate.

Why are you wasting your “whys” behind such stupid questions?

Why don’t you ask “why” am I lacking?

“Why” am I not on the right path?

“Why” am I not able to function as I am supposed to?

After those “whys” you’ll find the “wheres”…

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In the midst of smoking, I killed myself

In all this chaos, I realise that I have never valued my body and existence. I have never valued about the feelings I suppress and the people around me. I realised that dependency is an evil and how is to be an independent soul. This one week changed my life and the perspective towards seeing it. It killed me so that I can a new birth and lives a life where depression can never conquer me.

Smoking is injurious to health. Smoking kills. Smoking causes cancer. We, the smokers never cared about the warnings that use to come with the pack of cigarettes.  We either ignored it or laughed it out like it is just for the sake of it. However, don’t worry I am not going to give you any lectures of why you should quit smoking or how nicotine helps you in your tough times. This post is just about what happened to a person who is so addicted to nicotine and he suddenly decided to quit it.

You know there is a major generalisation that all the writers like to stay high when they are writing their article, novel or just a thought. It is said they are so addicted to smoking or any forms of nicotine. Well, I will refrain from denying it as I am one of them. For me, nicotine was my lifeline and the reason for my survival. I was so addicted to nicotine that for me my morning starts with the nicotine gum followed by a couple of cigarettes and ends with nicotine gum.

For me, it was my best friend and helps me to cope with my anxiety, frustration, depression and anger. However, everything comes with a price. Even addiction comes with a price which can destroy you. I never knew that I was so addicted that nicotine became my first priority in happiness or sadness. I forgot that people exist. Nevertheless, there comes a time when reality hits you hard.

Many people used to ask me that why I do I smoke as well as consume nicotine gums? I very casually answer them that during lectures or exams, I cannot smoke. I ignored the fact my body is addicted to it. Rather I can say I intentionally didn’t want to see it. I always felt that everything has a time and with time things will be simple but tables turned. The craving and addiction went to an extent that it was not possible to come back.

One fine day reality hit me so hard that I was barely able to stand. I got a call on 3rd April at 9:45 pm informing me that my best friend is no more. My body started shaking. I was not able to move for a second as I met him the day before and he was perfectly fine. I was searching for my nicotine but I do not know what happened. My conscience refused me.

I decided to quit smoking from the very next day as he just told me the day before to leave all these things. I took it very casually and now I can feel how much his words mean to me. I just felt that all my life I was very ungrateful and I got once chance to do something for him. I decided to quit and I thought it will not be that difficult. However, I think I was in some kind of illusion to think like that.

The next 48 hours changed my life to an extent that anxiety and depression hit me so hard. Every minute I craved to smoke but I decided not to. I kept on telling myself that you are a non-smoker now.

Every time when my friend sits with me and smokes, I just use to stare at that cigarette like a common man who stares at their dreams. I can feel my senses, nerves and mind begging to my conscience to allow me to smoke. But somewhere I was able to resist it.

It has been a week that I have not touched it but every hour I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. Every hour makes me know myself more and I feel so afraid to look at me in a mirror. I wonder that really I am so short tempered, irritated and depressed? I find ways to avoid smoking. I pretend like I am smoking by keeping a pen in my mouth. I cry out loud but it is not helping.

Smoking killed my body to an extent that depression conquered it. Anxiety laughs at me and tells me this is who you are. Irritation and body ache makes me realise things that I have always neglected.  In the end, I have sleepless nights — nights that are scary and dark as my soul. Every morning when I wake up I feel so tired that I just pray that the day ends soon.

In all these chaos, I realise that I have never valued my body and existence. I have never valued about the feelings I suppress and the people around me. I realised that dependency is an evil and how is it to be an independent soul. This one week changed my life and the perspective towards seeing it. It killed me so that I can get a new birth and live a life where depression can never conquer me.


Note: This story is purely fictional and is written in order to make us realise the importance of our body where our spirit lives.