In the midst of smoking, I killed myself

In all this chaos, I realise that I have never valued my body and existence. I have never valued about the feelings I suppress and the people around me. I realised that dependency is an evil and how is to be an independent soul. This one week changed my life and the perspective towards seeing it. It killed me so that I can a new birth and lives a life where depression can never conquer me.

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Smoking is injurious to health. Smoking kills. Smoking causes cancer. We, the smokers never cared about the warnings that use to come with the pack of cigarettes.  We either ignored it or laughed it out like it is just for the sake of it. However, don’t worry I am not going to give you any lectures of why you should quit smoking or how nicotine helps you in your tough times. This post is just about what happened to a person who is so addicted to nicotine and he suddenly decided to quit it.

You know there is a major generalisation that all the writers like to stay high when they are writing their article, novel or just a thought. It is said they are so addicted to smoking or any forms of nicotine. Well, I will refrain from denying it as I am one of them. For me, nicotine was my lifeline and the reason for my survival. I was so addicted to nicotine that for me my morning starts with the nicotine gum followed by a couple of cigarettes and ends with nicotine gum.

For me, it was my best friend and helps me to cope with my anxiety, frustration, depression and anger. However, everything comes with a price. Even addiction comes with a price which can destroy you. I never knew that I was so addicted that nicotine became my first priority in happiness or sadness. I forgot that people exist. Nevertheless, there comes a time when reality hits you hard.

Many people used to ask me that why I do I smoke as well as consume nicotine gums? I very casually answer them that during lectures or exams, I cannot smoke. I ignored the fact my body is addicted to it. Rather I can say I intentionally didn’t want to see it. I always felt that everything has a time and with time things will be simple but tables turned. The craving and addiction went to an extent that it was not possible to come back.

One fine day reality hit me so hard that I was barely able to stand. I got a call on 3rd April at 9:45 pm informing me that my best friend is no more. My body started shaking. I was not able to move for a second as I met him the day before and he was perfectly fine. I was searching for my nicotine but I do not know what happened. My conscience refused me.

I decided to quit smoking from the very next day as he just told me the day before to leave all these things. I took it very casually and now I can feel how much his words mean to me. I just felt that all my life I was very ungrateful and I got once chance to do something for him. I decided to quit and I thought it will not be that difficult. However, I think I was in some kind of illusion to think like that.

The next 48 hours changed my life to an extent that anxiety and depression hit me so hard. Every minute I craved to smoke but I decided not to. I kept on telling myself that you are a non-smoker now.

Every time when my friend sits with me and smokes, I just use to stare at that cigarette like a common man who stares at their dreams. I can feel my senses, nerves and mind begging to my conscience to allow me to smoke. But somewhere I was able to resist it.

It has been a week that I have not touched it but every hour I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. Every hour makes me know myself more and I feel so afraid to look at me in a mirror. I wonder that really I am so short tempered, irritated and depressed? I find ways to avoid smoking. I pretend like I am smoking by keeping a pen in my mouth. I cry out loud but it is not helping.

Smoking killed my body to an extent that depression conquered it. Anxiety laughs at me and tells me this is who you are. Irritation and body ache makes me realise things that I have always neglected.  In the end, I have sleepless nights — nights that are scary and dark as my soul. Every morning when I wake up I feel so tired that I just pray that the day ends soon.

In all these chaos, I realise that I have never valued my body and existence. I have never valued about the feelings I suppress and the people around me. I realised that dependency is an evil and how is it to be an independent soul. This one week changed my life and the perspective towards seeing it. It killed me so that I can get a new birth and live a life where depression can never conquer me.


Note: This story is purely fictional and is written in order to make us realise the importance of our body where our spirit lives.

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