WH Questions

You know what? The first step of transformation is asking yourself why. This question is starting point in the world of self love. The author here portrays it perfectly. Have a look at it.

Sparies

a633e182490be899974144b63a393f53

How is it when you ask “why”?

Does it bite your bite your guilt feel?

For what exactly are you asking “why”?

“Why” did he leave me?

“Why” am i so fat?

“Why” is my skin not healthy?

“Why” me?

“Why” do i exist?

Wait, don’t you think that’s a wrong “why” you’re using?

Damn, yes definitely it is the wrong “why” you’re asking yourself.

It was THE PERIOD so he left. He had to go.

My love, you’re beautiful. Fat, pimpled dark skin, frizzy hair, doesn’t matter.

You exist because you’ve got a lot of untouched pastas, pizzas, cheesecakes and manchurians on your plate.

Why are you wasting your “whys” behind such stupid questions?

Why don’t you ask “why” am I lacking?

“Why” am I not on the right path?

“Why” am I not able to function as I am supposed to?

After those “whys” you’ll find the “wheres”…

View original post 82 more words

Just the 3 am feelings

We always tell that nights are the most peaceful time. My friends tell me that it is so peaceful that they just study at night and others say we love to hang out in and around the city during midnight. However, I do not speak when they are talking about the night as I am the one who is afraid of it.

I find nights scary especially that part of the night when it is so furious and make me scream loud. From last few day, I was suffering from insomnia and whenever I try to sleep I have some dreams that depict the half truth of my life. Suddenly I wake up, I see myself sweating and the very first thing I do is to have one glass of water. Then I open my cell phone to see that I have got any inbox message and I see there are no messages.

I feel alone as it is already 3 am in the night and I have no one to talk to. I feel scared as my thoughts haunt me. I go to my terrace and sit there for a while wondering that what am I doing with my life. Nevertheless, reality hits me so hard that I feel like running away from it.

Life at 3 am questions me that you made yourself so reserved you do not have anyone to talk when you need the most. It questions me that you crave for love but do you love yourself? It tells me that you say you do not want respect but when you get it your ego feels so good, why is it so? If at 3 am the time is so peaceful why is it holding me?

I feel like someone is holding me and stopping me from running away from reality. Like every human, even I need an escape from the reality. Why I need to hold on? In the end, I accepted the fact that I do not have any option but to face the reality.

The very next day I purposely kept an alarm of 3 o’clock. However, it really didn’t matter as I was awake the whole night staring at the watch. As always reality has a habit of arriving 5 minutes early. I waved like I am just waiting for its arrival and for a change this time I was not afraid.

I went to my terrace and this time I was not sweating. Reality told me,” I am not your enemy. I just want you to realise certain things that are too important. Further adding to it, it said that you have to let go of certain things in order to be happy. What you are expecting from me or your life is not wrong but if things were that simple then there will not be any difference between me and a fairy tale. I am here to teach how to live and find a drop of happiness in this ocean of sadness. I am not here to scare but to tell you to face the truth. ”

“You are so much into finding the answers to your questions and getting reasons for each and every answers. There is nothing wrong in it but on the journey to find answers do not go hard on yourself. At times there is an easy way out. You have to find your way out. I do feel bad when you scream or crave for the love you deserve. However, you have to accept that the kind of love you demand is very rare. There will come a time when in your life when you will be tired. I guess it has already arrived. Your sleepless nights is the reason of your depression. Your depression made me come to you every night like some ghost. I had no option but to hold you because the dreams which you were living may ruin you. They were so strong if you see from the perspective of emotions.”


To be continued…

In the midst of smoking, I killed myself

Smoking is injurious to health. Smoking kills. Smoking causes cancer. We, the smokers never cared about the warnings that use to come with the pack of cigarettes.  We either ignored it or laughed it out like it is just for the sake of it. However, don’t worry I am not going to give you any lectures of why you should quit smoking or how nicotine helps you in your tough times. This post is just about what happened to a person who is so addicted to nicotine and he suddenly decided to quit it.

You know there is a major generalisation that all the writers like to stay high when they are writing their article, novel or just a thought. It is said they are so addicted to smoking or any forms of nicotine. Well, I will refrain from denying it as I am one of them. For me, nicotine was my lifeline and the reason for my survival. I was so addicted to nicotine that for me my morning starts with the nicotine gum followed by a couple of cigarettes and ends with nicotine gum.

For me, it was my best friend and helps me to cope with my anxiety, frustration, depression and anger. However, everything comes with a price. Even addiction comes with a price which can destroy you. I never knew that I was so addicted that nicotine became my first priority in happiness or sadness. I forgot that people exist. Nevertheless, there comes a time when reality hits you hard.

Many people used to ask me that why I do I smoke as well as consume nicotine gums? I very casually answer them that during lectures or exams, I cannot smoke. I ignored the fact my body is addicted to it. Rather I can say I intentionally didn’t want to see it. I always felt that everything has a time and with time things will be simple but tables turned. The craving and addiction went to an extent that it was not possible to come back.

One fine day reality hit me so hard that I was barely able to stand. I got a call on 3rd April at 9:45 pm informing me that my best friend is no more. My body started shaking. I was not able to move for a second as I met him the day before and he was perfectly fine. I was searching for my nicotine but I do not know what happened. My conscience refused me.

I decided to quit smoking from the very next day as he just told me the day before to leave all these things. I took it very casually and now I can feel how much his words mean to me. I just felt that all my life I was very ungrateful and I got once chance to do something for him. I decided to quit and I thought it will not be that difficult. However, I think I was in some kind of illusion to think like that.

The next 48 hours changed my life to an extent that anxiety and depression hit me so hard. Every minute I craved to smoke but I decided not to. I kept on telling myself that you are a non-smoker now.

Every time when my friend sits with me and smokes, I just use to stare at that cigarette like a common man who stares at their dreams. I can feel my senses, nerves and mind begging to my conscience to allow me to smoke. But somewhere I was able to resist it.

It has been a week that I have not touched it but every hour I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. Every hour makes me know myself more and I feel so afraid to look at me in a mirror. I wonder that really I am so short tempered, irritated and depressed? I find ways to avoid smoking. I pretend like I am smoking by keeping a pen in my mouth. I cry out loud but it is not helping.

Smoking killed my body to an extent that depression conquered it. Anxiety laughs at me and tells me this is who you are. Irritation and body ache makes me realise things that I have always neglected.  In the end, I have sleepless nights — nights that are scary and dark as my soul. Every morning when I wake up I feel so tired that I just pray that the day ends soon.

In all these chaos, I realise that I have never valued my body and existence. I have never valued about the feelings I suppress and the people around me. I realised that dependency is an evil and how is it to be an independent soul. This one week changed my life and the perspective towards seeing it. It killed me so that I can get a new birth and live a life where depression can never conquer me.


Note: This story is purely fictional and is written in order to make us realise the importance of our body where our spirit lives.

A eulogy to you my best friend

I never ever thought that this time will come this early. How can you just leave me too early? I was still dreaming of having a house of 3 stories where we 3 will live together. I am numb. I wish I was there with you in the heaven where we would be eating sub together.

The doors of the subway will always miss your presence. The fight to eat between veg and non-veg and you telling me that today is a Tuesday. How can you eat egg and cheese on Tuesday? The movie theatres will be just like one dark room. With whom, bestfriendI will all those samosas and cheese popcorn best friend

Dear, best friend do not leave me midway. There is alot we have to do. Who will laugh on my articles on. With whom I will talk about every girl I use to stalk on instagram. Who will say that it does not matter how many dates I go, I will have only one bhabhi. Your absence feels like one part of the heart is missng.

With whom I will cherish all those funny tuitions and school memories. Do you remember how we use run for our physics tuitions on my activa. I still wonder how we were able to sit together on one vehicle. To whom I will tease by asking what is the integration of ‘x’. Do you remember the time I use to come to teach you and then we use to have italian pizza and cheese roll.

How will I face your mom and tell I am doing masters. I want to convert your lie to truth. I also want to do a diploma and get detained with you. How will I forget all those memories where I use to scold you and you, you use to laugh on that. Who will give galis to me the way you use to do.

To whom will I ask, “Dost, su chale che jeewan ma?” and you use to say,”bas kai nai tanhaayi.” “Dost tanhaayi jode jeewani adat aje mare padvi padse.”

Do you remember that kinectic Zing ride. How we use to drive that with our legs on the shreyas overbridge. I know you do not read my writings that is why I am telling you that my grammar is not good. So somewhere if you reading this, please laugh on me. Okay?

You know I was so glad when you come to see my performace. I felt a different level of satisfaction. I know you hate me for working with aasmaan but the way you gave donated for lets go shopping is beyond something I can never do. Where will I give my birthday parties? Who will give me so good birthday gifts? Now, whose birthday party I will miss. For whom I will bring that cheap dangee dums cakes.

Who will cater on my marriage. Who will disconnect my phones now and fight with me for not meeting me. The late night navratri movies. The bike rides with me sitting behind you and my hands on your shoulders.

There is no way I can survive with you my friend. I feel short of words today and my tears are in the form of blood flowing through my eyes. I wish I can fight death but I cannot.

You know I am so proud of you that at this age you made you dream come true. I never ever thought you would open two resturant in to consecutive years. I am so so proud of you.

Whereever you are, just have fun okay and do not forget me. I love you my best friend.  May your soul rest in peace.

Dakota – Final Episode

If you missed the first part of the open letter. Go to Dakota – Episode 5


An open letter to you, Miss Shah

Hey you,

Your words leave a powerful impact and they are reflected in one or the other way in my articles or preachings. I know I always write philosophy and things which sound boring to you. But, you know I once used your preaching in my article and gave that thing a voice through my words. It was by far my most viewed article and my personal favourite. However, quoting that again below. Have a look at it and realise how good you are.

Someone once told me, “Forget everything and go on a break. Take your car, go for a drive. Spend a little quality time in the lap of nature, have a beer maybe, and just absorb the beauty of your life. The more you connect with yourself, the better life becomes. Remember that delusions are temporary, but conscience is undying. Do not let it die. Do not die several times before you die.”

You know in this journey with you, I find that you have a very innocent heart. No matter, how hard you are but from inside you are just a 6-year old baby. I, at times just think that how different an individual can be.

We do share an amazing relation and every successful relation comes with a price. You paid a price of compromising and at times even letting go. Today, I take this opportunity and apologise you for every time I hurt you. I am really sorry for the times I made you wait and I am sorry for the times I cancelled our meeting. Adding to it, I will like to say I am sorry for the time when I lost my faith and disconnected with you.

Again, I will love to thank you for the times you stayed behind me. I am not really good with expressing emotions and things I feel. In spite of it, thankyou for understanding those unsaid words. Thankyou for not judging for the things I do and understanding me. I am really out of words for now but trust me my eyes have tears while writing you this.

I really do not know whether we will be like this forever as I do not believe in that word. However, till the time I am with you, I promise you that I will not let you fall. Never stop treating me with such amazing food and good Kishore Kumar songs.

Kavisha Shah, there is one wish and the wish to travel with you at least once. I think that can one of the best thing that can happen to us.

Frosty Snowman, “You idiot, never change. Be unapologetic for the things where you are not wrong. Love yourself. Love me at times. Laugh a little more. Never cry. Spread love. Never forget me. Make this world a better place to live in.”

Signing off,

Your antisocial Friend,

Vyom Desai


The end


I promise to return soon with new series of episodes of Dakota. Stay tuned.

Dakota – Episode 5

An open to letter to you, Miss shah

Hey Kavisha Shah,

How are you doing? It’s been a long time that I have met you. Actually, it’s been just 2 days but somewhere it feels like a week you know. Next Sunday is your birthday bro!!! Excited? I know you are not at all excited and that is why I am writing this letter.

Do you remember the first time we met? I wished you happy birthday one day prior to the day of your birthday and I really do not why I did such a mistake. I actually started doubting my stalking skills. I must admit that you took that thing in a very good manner or else any other person would just avoid thinking me as a creepy person. However, I know I am the one.

I am glad that we became friends and then there was no looking back. Now, coming back to present, I feel that on 26th it is my birthday. I am fucking excited and I even do not know why. I know I should be the one who can never be so happy looking you happy. Nevertheless, let me tell you why I am so happy. It is because this time I will gift you something officially. Did you understand what I mean? I mean you will not just take my any perfume or things just without asking. It will be your day frosty snowman, ask for anything and you will get it. However, do not ask for the watch you gave me.

I am writing this to you because there are a lot of things I wish to tell you. There are things of yours which inspire me a lot and there are things which I love a lot. There are many things which I might have already told you and some things that are unsaid.

I have always looked up to you when I am in any kind of problem. I must admit, I hate your way of approach but it is so right at times. It inspires me a lot that how can anyone stay so happy and jolly forgetting all her problems. I know everyone has their own sort of problems but you are someone who looks sorted. I, at times, do understand the things you are suffering from or the problems you facing. But the only reason I never tell you is because I know you will solve it in your way.

It is fascinating to see the way you overcome that. I am proud of you the way you are. My heart overwhelms with joy when I see you succeeding in the things you always wanted to do. If you ask me which was your best moment in the year of 2016. I will just say it was the moment when your research paper was selected at Oxford University. I had a tear in my eyes watching the video of your presentation. I do not admit these things because my emotions hit too hard to feel. Anyways, for a change, you look better in formals. You look like a lady, a lady carrying herself so perfectly.

You know what I always tell you there is something unusual about you. You stand out of the crowd. Have you ever thought why you stand out of the crowd? If you reading this, move your lazy ass from your bed and look at yourself in the mirror. There is a different kind of brightness on your face; the brightness unlike that of normal people. You have got the guts to tell the unsaid things. You have got the guts, to tell the truth.

I feel utmost respect for you when you achieve things which you dream of. I feel utmost respect for you when you travel so religiously. However, I miss you when you travel. Your hard work is something that inspired me to sustain in nuclear engineering. Never ever think of taking a step backwards in your life. I will be there to support you, you no.

Coming to the things which I love about you. Starting with the way you understand your family. I love the way you understand your mother and brother. I wish I will be able to do that ever.

You know I love your driving. Still, there is always the scope for improvement.I love you for the every memory you gave me. I love you for our Zindagi sessions. Anyways, there are a lot of things for which I hate you. Anyways, we will keep it for the next time.

You know Kavisha, we at a certain age of our lives start understanding the things that are good or bad for us. I learnt that in a very hard way and it took a lot of time. But in your case I remember, you have learnt it so easily and at an early age. I love the way you can talk to any people. I love the way how you feel so strong about photography. I love the way you write because even after writing for more than 3 years, I cannot really leave that impact which you leave by your simple words. And yes, I love your playlist.

Lastly, I can sense from the problems you are facing. But don’t worry child you will be good. You have me if you wish to share anything. Happy birthday, child.

Vyom Desai.


To be continued

Dakota – Episode 4

End semester exam was near and this is the only time in the year where I have the upper hand. I told her to come to the library with me so that I can help her study. She agreed to it and then the library was at its mercy.

The first day:

I am someone who studies for 12 hours straight by taking 2 small breaks. Even I do not go home for having lunch. Well, it was her first time in the library and every hour she takes me downstairs to have lunch, tea or just to sit. Instead of getting angry, I use to laugh at her that you cannot really sit for an hour.

After Few days:

The exams were coming near and I was in a mood of relaxing. Kavisha started studying regularly but in my case, I use to disturb her every hour. Either I go my office or find reasons to take her downstairs. At times, she uses to refuse and then we fight.

There is a wierd thing about libraries. When you sit down to study, your mind has thousands of cravings which you wish to fulfil at that very moment. In my case, I just crave like a middle-class person to have a cheese vada pav. But in Kavisha’s case, she wished to have Loakers. I was like, “what the fuck is loakers?”

She replied, “You better take me to the shop where I can get international chocolates.” As soon as I took her to the shop; she fucking went mad and I was just staring at the bounty very innocently. She took a pack of loakers and asked me, “You want anything? I am not going to share even a single piece of loakers with you.” I, just like an innocent kid pointed towards bounty. She was like,”I fucking knew that you will ask for bounty. Anyways, you are not going to get them.”

After requesting her a lot, she said let me think. Finally, she agreed to give me bounty on one condition that tomorrow I have to buy her loakers. That was fair enough according to her and I do not know why but I agreed to it. We went to the library and started having the chocolates sitting on the staircase. I was waiting that she will give me one but she didnt give even a single piece. After a while, I said, “BC, ek piece to aap.” She gave me three pieces and said, “Now, do not even think of asking again or else you will get one slap from me.”

On the very next day, she had come to the library pretty late. I was sitting outside and studying. She came and putting her bag on the table exclaimed, ” where is your phone? I am calling you since last 15 minutes. Anyways, chal, we got to go to take loakers.” I was like study for some time and then we will go. Arguing with her is waste of time, I tell you.

We went to the shop and took 1 loakers, 2 Nutella dip wali sticks and 2 cupcakes. However, this time we did not even care to go back to the library. We sat on the pavement outside the shop, open our packets and started eating. I hate her for taking the Nutella from my pack. She does that every time and she does that with me only.

As the days, passed, we developed a good equation. We made sure, we study, we have fun, we eat and we even play games. Even, my friends loved her and she got involved equally. I tell you Kavisha Shah, you have got an amazing mind. You just need to push yourselves a little. You will create wonders.

A humble reply from my alter ego

In case you missed an open letter to my alter ego, go to An open letter to my alter ego


Dear Conscience,

I know you hate me but I really do appreciate the healthy relationship we share. It does not really matter whether you hate me or not. I do not really care about that. The only reason I am writing this letter is because you asked me to answer your questions.

When we talk about being mature and the side effects of maturity. Are you really so dumb to not see the brighter side of what you learnt? And let me tell you, you always pay a price to learn something and be who you are. An individual is not lucky to get all the things they want without paying any price of it. If that was the case, I guess no one in this world of second-handers would have suffered a breakdown.

I never termed maturity as an absolute entity, in fact, I will always say it is the most relative entity one can ever have. Mind you, here I refer relatively as one who knows how mature they have become after they start realising where they went wrong. You never accepted the fact that you were wrong. Instead of it, you used to find excuses to cover your mistakes. I am not blaming you, I am just telling you where you went wrong. However, I am proud of you. Take a moment out of your life and just see yourself. You started realising where you always went wrong. You have developed that sense of understanding, the one which was always lacking. Take a moment out and see the brighter side of the situation.

I do say that an individual should live to his principle even if that cost them their life. I am a strong believer of principles. You asked me that why I did not tell you that this road will leave you alone, right? The only reason is because I want you to be a creator and not a follower. If at that very moment I would have told you that this path is difficult, you would not have even started your journey.

Have you ever noticed the world around you? Have you seen how an individual live? Let me tell you how do they live. They live on the theories that are not made my them. They blindly follow the crowd. In today’s world, principles are just like trending stories of twitter. It keeps on changing with the change in the events. Do you wish to lead such a life? If yes, leave the path of being an individual and follow the crowd.

To follow your principles is to give the reason to your existence. A person is known when they do something substantial in their life for themselves. Your work will be your reason for your existence. Trust me, you cannot find a better reason than this to live. At the end of the day,  you will get the satisfaction, the kind of satisfaction which you can never get by holding on to relations.

A human definitely takes birth in this world to follow a religion, earn money and build relations. However, have you ever thought of what religion you follow? A human takes birth to follow only one religion i.e. the work. They earn money by the means and more than the money they earn respect. So, when you die you take all the expertise of your work, the respect and love you earned by means of your work. What more do you want when you are taking these immortal entities with you?

Each and every aspect of your life gets overlapped by one another. Your principles show you the direction of your life. And the very same principles makes you a creator. When you are a creator, the only religion of yours is work. And when work is your only religion, you become ideal. Mind you, the ideal is in reference to your soul and not according to to the world of the second handers. If your father or Ayn Rand follows the same principles, they are ideal in their own beautiful way.

Who said being perfect is a myth? It is on you that what approach you take in your life. Perfect is a very broad term to speak. If you ask me the meaning of it I would just say it means that you should give justice to what you do. Does that make sense?

The answer of your reaching to square one is if you reach square one, then restart your journey. I promise you I will be there with you and will help you in every possible way I can.

Your demon,

Alter ego.

Picture Of The Day – 2

You made me go through the times when I used to play with my brother Well done writer..

Sparies

Remember those days? Days were simple, weren’t they?

Do you miss that one person with whom you’ve grown old? Your sibling? Your cousin?

Called them lately? Shared a secret with them in past 2 months? Argued with them over your clothes or TV remote?

Damn fights we used to pick, didn’t we? Apparently, s/he were the only partner in crime we had.

Recently, I had called this long lost cousin of mine staying in another city. Though we just talked for 2.5 minutes but then it felt good. It felt like, yes he is still there. He has got my back for all the mischief I do. And I’m always there to cover him for all the stuff.

Such a beautiful bond is shared. I re-lived the childhood today itself over the call. That’s why I’m telling you as well, think of calling your side-kick today. The smile on your…

View original post 9 more words

Dakota – Episode 3

Meanwhile, in all those serious conversations, we really forgot to watch the people around us. There was a typical couple who was intentionally too busy in making noise. For me, that was just little annoying, but for Kavisha Shah, it was like someone entering her territorial boundary. She turned her face towards them with her big scary eyes and polite voice she said, “Can you please lower your noise pollution.” Well, there was a kind of order hidden in her polite voice. I do not mind it unless it gives me enough entertainment.

Her words printed a very strong impression on my mind. Moreover, it made me realize the amount of ego and frustration I have in me.

At times, there were days when we use to meet daily as for us it is a mandatory thing and at times days coming when we cannot meet because anyone from us is busy. In most of the cases, I was always the one.

There came a phase in my life where I saw I hardly any have any friends left. Either they went to the States or some other countries and some of them were left behind due to work commitments. This thing was enough to give me a hint, a hint of fear. Due to that fear, my insecurity of losing the one I have increased. It was nothing to do with the trust. It was a problem with my mind which I got to solve.

Meanwhile, even Kavisha’s brother was suffering from dengue. She gave a call that I am going to the hospital and after that, we will sit for some time outside CCD. Cafe Coffee Day on IIM Road is generally where we sit and do all kinds of gossip or talk deep shit. Well, for a change she picked me up and we went to the hospital. She met her brother, took her Kurtis and we were heading to CCD.

The thing was, this insecurity was eating my head and it has been a long time since I know her and somewhere a very short time that we actually developed such a good relation. In my head, I had this confusion that whether I should tell her about my insecurity or not? Will she feel bad or will she think that I do not trust her? All these questions were testing my patience and that made my mind run in a very different direction.

On our way, we were gossiping about school and college incidents when she just said, “AREYYY!! Swapna is bae.” My sense lost its control and I asked her directly, “Kavisha, where do I stand on your priority list.”

Initially, she didn’t get what I asked. Her expression of confusion was clearly visible on her face. Meanwhile, we reached CCD. Now, let me tell you we are the most useless people one can ever meet. We just go to CCD, order a mineral water bottle at times and sit for hours.

Gathering some strength I told her that I will elaborate what I said just now. The thing is, “Look, child, I just want to know where I stand on your priority list. I know this is not the kind of question I should ask but for me at this point in time, it is very important. I am getting this feeling of insecurity as I feel I have lost my friends to quite an extent. I do not have the strength to lose even one more friend of mine. The reason behind this is I feel emotions and things very deeply; and you are someone who means a lot to me. I feel lucky to be sitting with you here and I will love to do so as long as we are here in the same city. The sole reason that I am asking you is because you have a very good social life to which mine is nothing. There are high chances that we are not on the same page and that is totally okay. I am asking it because I do not form unnecessary expectations from you.”

I thought she will get angry at me and even might be a little disappointed. However, what she said me; make me love her more even today.

She told me, “Look Vyom, I know you and understand you. I can empathize with your insecurity. I won’t say it is justified but never keep anything in your mind. You do mean a lot Vyom. If I was to set a benchmark or line of distinction for my friends, you will always be above that line. You are just like Kashish and Manushi. In fact, I always prefer to spend time with you and not with them. You see something in me which they do not see.”

I was just staring at her blankly and that annoyed her. She waved in front of my eyes and asked,” OYEE BC!! Does that make sense to you?”

I was satisfied and the insecurity got reduced to quite an extent. I apologized for the same and even today KAVISHA, when you are reading thing, I wish to tell you sorry once again. It does sound bad no?

I will not say thank you for understanding, instead I will say I wish someday one day I can be as understanding as you at least in some matters.

To be continued