I do not want melted cheese dripping out of your words
because I have decided to go vegan since
the memories of mint chocolate chip ice cream
won’t erase itself from my amygdala.
I believed in braided manes and pink bows till
You swept in like a tornado over my untamed inferno and
Blizzard got into my roots and home,
Became a non existent entity.
I stopped going to family functions because
Their tongues seemed too distant and faces
Broken down into senseless metaphors under
White lights and blazing sunlight and I
Am more comfortable in the dark.
As I sat on the swing and
Let you make me taste the sky over
Fierce promises woven with laughter and bloody kisses
Like a mattress that now I sleep on
Because the bed doesn’t hurt me enough and
A ceiling separating the sky from my ludicrous notions.
I think I prefer…
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You know what? The first step of transformation is asking yourself why. This question is starting point in the world of self love. The author here portrays it perfectly. Have a look at it.
How is it when you ask “why”?
Does it bite your bite your guilt feel?
For what exactly are you asking “why”?
“Why” did he leave me?
“Why” am i so fat?
“Why” is my skin not healthy?
“Why” do i exist?
Wait, don’t you think that’s a wrong “why” you’re using?
Damn, yes definitely it is the wrong “why” you’re asking yourself.
It was THE PERIOD so he left. He had to go.
My love, you’re beautiful. Fat, pimpled dark skin, frizzy hair, doesn’t matter.
You exist because you’ve got a lot of untouched pastas, pizzas, cheesecakes and manchurians on your plate.
Why are you wasting your “whys” behind such stupid questions?
Why don’t you ask “why” am I lacking?
“Why” am I not on the right path?
“Why” am I not able to function as I am supposed to?
After those “whys” you’ll find the “wheres”…
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I never ever thought that this time will come this early. How can you just leave me too early? I was still dreaming of having a house of 3 stories where we 3 will live together. I am numb. I wish I was there with you in the heaven where we would be eating sub together.
The doors of the subway will always miss your presence. The fight to eat between veg and non-veg and you telling me that today is a Tuesday. How can you eat egg and cheese on Tuesday? The movie theatres will be just like one dark room. With whom, bestfriendI will all those samosas and cheese popcorn best friend
Dear, best friend do not leave me midway. There is alot we have to do. Who will laugh on my articles on. With whom I will talk about every girl I use to stalk on instagram. Who will say that it does not matter how many dates I go, I will have only one bhabhi. Your absence feels like one part of the heart is missng.
With whom I will cherish all those funny tuitions and school memories. Do you remember how we use run for our physics tuitions on my activa. I still wonder how we were able to sit together on one vehicle. To whom I will tease by asking what is the integration of ‘x’. Do you remember the time I use to come to teach you and then we use to have italian pizza and cheese roll.
How will I face your mom and tell I am doing masters. I want to convert your lie to truth. I also want to do a diploma and get detained with you. How will I forget all those memories where I use to scold you and you, you use to laugh on that. Who will give galis to me the way you use to do.
To whom will I ask, “Dost, su chale che jeewan ma?” and you use to say,”bas kai nai tanhaayi.” “Dost tanhaayi jode jeewani adat aje mare padvi padse.”
Do you remember that kinectic Zing ride. How we use to drive that with our legs on the shreyas overbridge. I know you do not read my writings that is why I am telling you that my grammar is not good. So somewhere if you reading this, please laugh on me. Okay?
You know I was so glad when you come to see my performace. I felt a different level of satisfaction. I know you hate me for working with aasmaan but the way you gave donated for lets go shopping is beyond something I can never do. Where will I give my birthday parties? Who will give me so good birthday gifts? Now, whose birthday party I will miss. For whom I will bring that cheap dangee dums cakes.
Who will cater on my marriage. Who will disconnect my phones now and fight with me for not meeting me. The late night navratri movies. The bike rides with me sitting behind you and my hands on your shoulders.
There is no way I can survive with you my friend. I feel short of words today and my tears are in the form of blood flowing through my eyes. I wish I can fight death but I cannot.
You know I am so proud of you that at this age you made you dream come true. I never ever thought you would open two resturant in to consecutive years. I am so so proud of you.
Whereever you are, just have fun okay and do not forget me. I love you my best friend. May your soul rest in peace.
End semester exam was near and this is the only time in the year where I have the upper hand. I told her to come to the library with me so that I can help her study. She agreed to it and then the library was at its mercy.
The first day:
I am someone who studies for 12 hours straight by taking 2 small breaks. Even I do not go home for having lunch. Well, it was her first time in the library and every hour she takes me downstairs to have lunch, tea or just to sit. Instead of getting angry, I use to laugh at her that you cannot really sit for an hour.
After Few days:
The exams were coming near and I was in a mood of relaxing. Kavisha started studying regularly but in my case, I use to disturb her every hour. Either I go my office or find reasons to take her downstairs. At times, she uses to refuse and then we fight.
There is a wierd thing about libraries. When you sit down to study, your mind has thousands of cravings which you wish to fulfil at that very moment. In my case, I just crave like a middle-class person to have a cheese vada pav. But in Kavisha’s case, she wished to have Loakers. I was like, “what the fuck is loakers?”
She replied, “You better take me to the shop where I can get international chocolates.” As soon as I took her to the shop; she fucking went mad and I was just staring at the bounty very innocently. She took a pack of loakers and asked me, “You want anything? I am not going to share even a single piece of loakers with you.” I, just like an innocent kid pointed towards bounty. She was like,”I fucking knew that you will ask for bounty. Anyways, you are not going to get them.”
After requesting her a lot, she said let me think. Finally, she agreed to give me bounty on one condition that tomorrow I have to buy her loakers. That was fair enough according to her and I do not know why but I agreed to it. We went to the library and started having the chocolates sitting on the staircase. I was waiting that she will give me one but she didnt give even a single piece. After a while, I said, “BC, ek piece to aap.” She gave me three pieces and said, “Now, do not even think of asking again or else you will get one slap from me.”
On the very next day, she had come to the library pretty late. I was sitting outside and studying. She came and putting her bag on the table exclaimed, ” where is your phone? I am calling you since last 15 minutes. Anyways, chal, we got to go to take loakers.” I was like study for some time and then we will go. Arguing with her is waste of time, I tell you.
We went to the shop and took 1 loakers, 2 Nutella dip wali sticks and 2 cupcakes. However, this time we did not even care to go back to the library. We sat on the pavement outside the shop, open our packets and started eating. I hate her for taking the Nutella from my pack. She does that every time and she does that with me only.
As the days, passed, we developed a good equation. We made sure, we study, we have fun, we eat and we even play games. Even, my friends loved her and she got involved equally. I tell you Kavisha Shah, you have got an amazing mind. You just need to push yourselves a little. You will create wonders.
You made me go through the times when I used to play with my brother Well done writer..
Remember those days? Days were simple, weren’t they?
Do you miss that one person with whom you’ve grown old? Your sibling? Your cousin?
Called them lately? Shared a secret with them in past 2 months? Argued with them over your clothes or TV remote?
Damn fights we used to pick, didn’t we? Apparently, s/he were the only partner in crime we had.
Recently, I had called this long lost cousin of mine staying in another city. Though we just talked for 2.5 minutes but then it felt good. It felt like, yes he is still there. He has got my back for all the mischief I do. And I’m always there to cover him for all the stuff.
Such a beautiful bond is shared. I re-lived the childhood today itself over the call. That’s why I’m telling you as well, think of calling your side-kick today. The smile on your…
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The entire evening was so well spent till the time she said, I will drive and then again I went speechless. I very quietly gave her the keys and fasten my seat belt. We went home listening to Kishore Kumar songs and even singing it. People, let me tell you we are very big Kishore Kumar fans and we make sure we hear his songs very sincerely.
I share a very simple equation with her. The equation is like if I do not meet her for few days, she manages to shout at me very peacefully and with all rights. However, if she doesn’t, I feel something is wrong with her.
After few days, I called up and she was about to shout. But listening to my voice she asked politely, “what happened? Are you good?” I was like, “Fucker!!! I am all good. It is just that it has been quite a time that I have seen you.( it was just 2 days)”
She like no other foodie, “See you tomorrow at Gulbai Tekra wala Varietea. We will have Oglio Olio pasta. Now fuck off.”
The following day when we were sitting and discussing that are there any chances that we will find someone? I do not how but that talk lead to the topic of our parents. I do not why I got a bit frustrated telling that I wish my parents could have broken that wall of silence with me. If that would have happened I would spend more time with them.
Very curiously she asked me Vyom,” Have you ever tried talking to them.” I have never tried but somewhere I was not ready to accept that fact. I replied, ” I try, but they do not really take any interest in my talks about nuclear engineering.
She replied, ” Child, do not lie. There is already a lot you are keeping inside. Share it.” Her deep dark brown eyes were not having an inch of sympathy but a sense of care. It gave me a feeling of peace and comfort. It was the kind of comfort that I was always seeking.
I took a deep breath and started speaking. The pasta and garlic lovers pizza was also listening with patience.
” I feel like I am stranger in my house. I agree to the fact that my father gave me all the things that I wished for. I agree that he always made sure I live my life very comfortably. But you know what sometimes it is not the things that I wish for. There was no one to ask me that how much you studied. yes, they always supported me when I got very less result. There was no one to guide me when I was in problem. There was no ray of light when I was alone. Today whatever I am, good or bad, it is because what life made me. I do not object the time restriction they put but yes I do object the way they look at things. I am tired of staying alone. I am tired of fighting alone. I see my father in tension many a times but he does not share. He should, I am grown now. When I go home, I feel depressed. There is nothing going right. There are thousands of unsaid words and feelings. How do I break this silence?”
Like any good listener, she heard me very patiently and just replied, ” Have you ever tried to break the silence? Have you ever tried talking to them? Have you ever made them realise that you care about them like they always do?”
I was not having answers to any of those questions. Taking a bite of pizza she said, ” It is not your fault Vyom. At times, all you need is someone to make you see the things more clearly by eliminating the cloud of misconceptions that you have in your mind.”
Hearing this I burst into tears. There was a moment of silence. I hardly cry in front of someone. Nevertheless, at that point in time, I felt like a baby crying in front of her mother. There was no fear that she will judge me. It was just fucking peaceful.
Taking another bite of pizza she said,” It’s okay to cry. You needed it and I will always be there when you feel like sharing. I hope that you will try sharing things with them and if not you will just sit with them. It is just that somewhere you lack and somewhere even parents do. It is on us, how we tackle it.”
All I could say after that long session was, ” Kavisha, you are a grown up now. When did that happen?” Probably, that was the first time, I saw this side of her. All I know was a jolly Kavisha who loves adventure, partying and stuff. However, the other side of her was fascinating and just like the silent water flowing on its own path to merge into sea.
The noon was well spent and I was so happy that I paid all the bill. She hugged me and I was back to my office. However, this episode was too intense no? There were some funny moments and to witness it, wait for the next episode.
to be continued…
“I will reach around 2:30 at PVR. See you directly over there.”, saying this I disconnected the phone. I precisely remember that within 5 seconds I got a callback. As soon as I picked up the call, she shouted, ” Pick me from home and go and don’t even think of directly reaching to PVR.” I was like okay, why will I mind that.
Now you know what happens is like when we are going to a movie, she is always on time and in general, there is a pattern of her to come late depending on the time zone. However, after that, she manages to be so sweet and say sorry in such a way that your mind says, ” bc now you cannot do anything.” Coming back to the matter, for a change I was late and as usual, I was out of balance. As soon as I reach her home she was just standing out. She was dressed in sand colour printed floral kurta and black leggings. I, like any other creep, greeted her with a huge smile.
She sat in the car and promptly waited till I get out of her society. I think that was my safe zone. As soon as we reached out of her society, she turned towards me and shouted, ” are you mad?
She shouted, “chodu, tane bhan nathi padti movie no show che? (Don’t you realise we have a movie show?)”
I was like, ” I am never late, it just happened because I was busy.” In my mind, I was like good job Vyom.
She replied even better, “Stop the car and let me drive.”
I can see myself losing. I very quietly gave her the car. She smiled and I breathed once again. She sat on the driver’s seat, adjusting the driver’s seat and cuddling the steering wheel and asking my car that did it miss her? There are two things about her, one is I like her driving and second is, never come across her car when she is driving. The only reason is either you have to give her side or else the one sitting with her will have to bear her impatience and that’s me.
With a puppy face, I said ,” You look very pretty.”
She laughed and replied,” Pyom, if I won’t get angry on you then on whom will I get angry. haqq che maro (it’s my right)”
Meanwhile, we reached the theatre and by god’s mercy, we reached on time. We went to watch M.S. Dhoni- the untold story. Being a Dhoni fan, I thought nothing was untold in the story. However, the moment I was about to speak that, she took my piece of samosa. What next then? The entire movie I watched with a straight face and felt helpless about it. However, she got a cheese popcorn and even shared. At times, she is kind.
She loved the movie, that means if I am going to speak anything against it, I am done. However, let me be a little serious, I enjoyed a lot. That making fun of people or teasing that actually made no sense also seemed logical. The entire evening was so well spent till the time she said, I will drive and then…
To be continued…
Episode 2: Probably it will be on how she supported me through all the hard times.
I know I wrote a lot on you or lots of on you but you know it is never enough. You are my source of inspiration, my motivation, my support system and my go to person. How I still remember that day when you came for aasmaan interview. Ooooo…that black kurta and jeans made you look very different from the crowd. I know I will never stop being creepy my friend.
Anyways, I will tell you today why I had all my attention on you when you came for the interview. There is something we call in our language as a personality but I feel more than your personality vibes matter. The moment you entered the room, the atmosphere was pretty different. You had that quality of a strong woman. A woman who lives on her term. I wished I can take,e your interview. Nevermind, in the end, it was nice working with you, Miss Mehra.
As you say we clicked the very moment we met. Well, I would say I felt the sense of belongingness during the LGS after party. However, this was just the beginning and then mind mosaic happened. It was the journey for me being the writer. Moreover, it was the journey for me to know you better.
The more I started to know you, the more I started to respect you. You know why? It is because of the qualities you have. You made sure to take interest in my life and listen to my problems. You made sure I am okay. You made sure you won’t do the things I do not like. I mean how do you manage to remember everything. I can see that sort of apnapan when you take care of small things. I appreciate the fact Abha, when you say this is maggie, is less spicy or eat something that is in your budget and jena thi pet bharai.
When I talk about memories, how would I mention each and every memory I have with you. However, I can never forget our long conversations and at times the talks which made my eyes a little teary. How can I not get angry on the screenshots of the photos you took from my phone. How can I not laugh on the reading your facebook messages? Well, there is a long list.
Moving ahead Abha, today I want to take a minute out of my life and tell you I am sorry. I am sorry for everytime I said something wrong intentionally or unintentionally. I promise you I will try not to repeat any mistakes.
Today, I want to take a minute out of my life to thank you for everything. Thank you, Canva ninja for editing all my articles with utmost peace. Thank you, for teaching me and making me a better person compatible to the world. Thank you for loving me enough. Thank you for understanding and respecting my principles. Thank you, for giving me treat everytime when I was out of money. Thank you so much for being my best friend. Thank you for making me a writer.
I promise you Abha, I will never ever leave you. I promise you to love you enough till the time I am here. I promise you that I will hear all your long talks, complaints, problems, happiness and will make sure you stay happy.
There is one dream now, and the dream is to see you successful one day. The dream is to see you climbing the stairs of success while I am standing down waving at you. The dream is to take a moment out of my life with utmost pride by telling everyone that you are my best friend.
Happy Birthday MISS ABHA MEHRA. Let us celebrate your birthday and make it a memorable one. I love you to the moon and back.
This is no big article about who inspired me and made me who I am. But today, I feel so good that there are some people who have that charisma. They come, stay with you and somewhere inspire you. You know what is the most beautiful part of this entire thing, they event do not when they inspired you.
I met him, do not ask who he is. He is just like us, a guy as normal as you and me. I met him one year ago when I started working as a resident writer for one magazine. I was not able to form any specific impression about him during our first meeting. The only thing I could make out is he never hesitates in making fun of any person no matter he knows him or not. He is a guy with greenish grey eyes who loves his hair and makes sure they are up to the point. He is a superhero and tech geek, well not so deadly combination I guess.
Slowly slowly, figure out I was totally opposite to him. He sings those not so known English songs very loudly which was very irritating to me. He does all those not so funny faces that you feel like slapping him. Moreover, he makes sure he repeats it again and again if you tell him to stop. But, there was something unusual about him. There is something in him which makes you feel so comfortable talking to him. He has that secrets power to make any person laugh by his not so funny techniques.
This inspires me. It does inspire me a lot that how can a person make you smile just like that. How can he do it so easily? Is that possible? One thing common between us was we love working. What makes me respect him is the way he does it. He has that sort of quality to work with near perfection. The thing that inspired me is you get to learn something no matter if we fail or work is too small. This is what I learnt from him.
You may wonder that what is it that is so unique about him in it? We as a human being have all sorts of frustration, anger, sadness and happiness. He also has it but it is on the way how you control it. Yes, at times he gets angry but it been a year and I can bet my life on it if I have ever seen him sad. I never heard any complaints about his life. I never saw him sharing the pain or problems. He contains it and this inspires me. I wish I could ever do this. I really wish.
Today, he is my one of closest friends. However, I would say that I respect him more than I love him. Many reasons are there but some other time.